You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
