Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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