allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
