I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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