My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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