I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
