so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
