Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
