Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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