I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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