new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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