Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i will never coherently bang her
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
