Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
You may now shotgun with the bride
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
