i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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