last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize
