When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
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