I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
