This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
