I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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