TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
