Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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