If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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