ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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