Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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