Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
The struggles of a small town man whore
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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