Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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