I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
