Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I just forgot I was standing up.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
