I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
