Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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