I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
