i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
