that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
