WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize