even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
