The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Boobs are out for the taking
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Randomize
