it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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