Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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