yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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