I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
