Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
