I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
