I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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