remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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