ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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