We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
