I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
