Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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