You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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