How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
