My room smells like vodka and shame
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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