My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
