there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
