good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
