I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
