I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
