I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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