my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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