I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Let's paint friendship bongs
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
