Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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